I feel so guilty and I don't know why!

I mean, just look at her. She just wants to get out of there!
But, seriously, she might be the worst First Lady lately. And it's not even her fault; she obviously didn't sign up for this shit.
I'd just like to take her out on a date.
Hell if I know how to take a woman like her out on a date...
All I'd want is to spend a nice evening wit her, listening to her stories. And I'd just listen, even if I'd have to sign a NDA. She wouldn't even have to pay me off (although I'd take 130.000 bucks...) But this would definitely be me, the whole time: https://i.imgur.com/nbHCxAh.gif Promise!

All I'm saying is, I'd want to take her out for a fancy freaky dinner (like Döner (I'm German, btw), since McDonaldinho wouldn't be her style). Or our local Burger Joint (they have great meat, the best meat). Ok, maybe not, people would recognize her. Or, even worse, me.
After that, some... umm... Netflix? If she's into that. Hey, we could even watch Stephen Colbert or Trevor Noah. I really, really like Trevor! He's among the five guys on my 'possible devil threesome' list (Ryan Reynolds, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Tom Hiddlebum and Battlefield Counterstrike being the other four). I bet we could binge the Daily or the Late Show and she'd have a ball! (Because they, at their worst, merely pity her and there's not a word about her son. I mean, just look at Barron, everytime he's on TV, he just looks so #Sad! Poor boy. Also, Tiffany, my other, almost weirder celeb crush.)
Then some, err, "chill"? I swear to the invisible pink unicorn, blessed be her holy hooves, I'd either fuck or cuddle the proverbial shit out of Melania! It would so definitely be the one weekend she couldn't possibly ever forget. Mainly because I'm broke af and she'd just talk the whole time about whatever. I'd listen, M'Lady. Or else. Yeah, I'd do else, too.

So, Mel, if you read this, just ask Obama about my digits, I'm sure the NSA still has them. Let him send me a predator drone with your sincere answer. The tangerine-in-chief doesn't have to know, if it even cares.

PS: to whom it may concern, yes, I'm drucking funk. And if the Secret Service enters my apartement tomorrow, I'll just tell them I'm not there. I'd be your 'Blustery Daniel'.
PPS: my celebrity crushes tend to die young (like Brittany Murphy or August Ames), so please look after yourself, Mel!
Thoughts & Prayers, your Spaceballs(TheComment)