FatAndInflatedFurryPornTurnsMeOn
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TL;DR Immortal man, that is killed when he touches a immortal snail that is incredibly smart and always follows him, plots out how to prevent the snail from killing him with 1 million dollars USD
tekcor
The snail is immortal, just dip it in the molten tungsten and let it harden. If you want, launch it into space, inertia will handle it.
0TheTiger
Roosterteeth talked about this on a podcast ages ago.
0TheTiger
https://youtu.be/HINYhLtaaxc
EarthTurtle
Decoy snail
Yrmsteak
Is befriend the intelligent snail an option? I feel like that might be the best choice
kcool951
1)Buy gloves.
imsam77
Wow.
SnowpersonHitInTheFaceWithALackOfCreativity
dmoore182
I'd keep the snail in a vivarium and use when I want to die. Like 7 Pounds.
UnAgedCheese
Stolen from “a million dollars but” from rooster teeth
interactor
The snail will still get them eventually. It's inevitable.
putzcommander
Large tungsten ball >100k.
BillNyeTheCrackShopGuy
About 130 k just the material. And since it melts at 3.5k °C getting it into a sphere shape that big and so fast would cost you easily 1 mil
kd7uns
Came here to say this.
stonebrood
i lick the snail
cajuninjun
meh, i'd befriend the snail, it is intelligent after all. learn to communicate and then proceed to live my immortal life unalone.
SomeDetroitGuy
Best answer. It's a prisoner's delimma. The snail is only a threat if you're a threat to it.
itwasbuilticame
The catch is, you and the snail switch bodies after the first year
xanadudu
This week on Roosterteeth's "Million Dollars But.."
128Gigabytes
They actually talked about this on their podcast. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HINYhLtaaxc
UnremarkablyInteresting
I actually thought Gavin made up the snail follows you story.
xanadudu
As far as I know he did. Although I haven't kept up with those guys in awhile.
TheVampireDante
Smaller Tungsten ball, around football size - half fill with salt, drop Snail in, add more salt and seal it shut. Keep in private vault.
3ice
First I take the 1 million dollars away from the snail. I now have 2 million dollars.
fairybug
So, just 'It Follows' but with no way to pass if on and funding to defend yourself with?
LiquidHotMagma
I know most people hated that movie but I found it really troubling. I would be terrified to sleep or sit still for the rest of my life.
fairybug
I actually really enjoyed it. I'm not a fan of that dead-eyed style of emoting, but that's the director's fault. It's still good overall.
CanadianToast3r
Literally just carry it around with you in a peanut butter jar. Like... I don't get why we need all this extra crap.
LordoftheDance
Because in the span of an infinite amount of years that jar is bound to break or someone stupidly lets it out.
nowitsshowtime
Because it's a smart snail. That snail would go lefty loosey on you and kill you the first night.
StillPimpin
That snail is a fucking jerk. It knows it will kill me if it touches me. Go live your life snail, buy some nice things for your snail wife.
CaldariBob
What exactly would a snail do with $1 mil? It's a snail. $1000 invested in cocaine and it's set until mankind develops free ultracocaine.
jelleyfish
Plot twist snail lost his family and also dies when you touch it and is practically begging for death
YouKilledMeImADeadGhooostNow
All I could think was that this guy seems like a supervillain. WTF did the snail do? And hyper intelligent? That means he is tortured forevr
TheDrunkenWrench
Immortality = / = unable to die, just means it won't die naturally. kill the snail.
SomeDetroitGuy
The snail is super intelligent. It knows how humans behave - death for the immortal is the only way to keep itself safe.
Sprixxen
The post says it will always crawl toward you. Maybe as part of its super intelligence deal it develops an irrational obsession w/ you.
AlmostCertainlyNotPickles
This is a good motivation for a decently powered Mutants and Masterminds character
TheInternetHasRuinedMeForever
Huzzah, my dude! Incredible system.
AlmostCertainlyNotPickles
I've yet to play a game. I want to DM one using my Pathfinder/dnd 3.5 dm experience. It's hard to find people who want to play.
AlmostCertainlyNotPickles
Update: I'm going back to my college town to visit my underclassman friends. We're gonna play MnM
wittie888
put snail in a box.
istealthepixelsfromreposts
Extremely smart snail. You think he does not see you coming? I never read the snail WANTS to touch you, i'd try to reach an understanding.
GiftedMagnet
step one- cut a hole in a box
yomahnn
step two- snail gets out of box and teams up with JT
elayeyouareaye
I was thinking a giant hollow tungsten ball, myself.
D4ggerfall
Decoy snail
DahPrincess
I'd keep it close, possibly become friends. Then end of all is a lonely place. Also, the type of immortality would impact how I dealt with
DahPrincess
>it. Personally, I'd get tired of living, even if I had ample money. When I eventually get tired of being alive (tomorrow around noon maybe)
DahPrincess
>>I can simply touch the snail and end my suffering. If the snail doesn't wanna be friends, I'll just put it in a transparent box which will
DahPrincess
>>>be maintained by someone I treat and pay well. There will always be eyes on the snail. It won't kill me till I'm ready.
DostoevskyDisciple
wow. a much less detailed way and i like yours better than the original
CoolKidzSayWhat
Then put that box in another box!
probablynotspiders
Then I'll mail it to myself and when it gets here
walmartlogic
SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER
BigAdam
Its a very smart snail. It just gets out the box and it comes for you. THE SNAIL MOVES.
wittie888
I'm a very smart person. The box won't have any handles or openings. Welded shut.
BigAdam
The box rust, the snail moves.
worldsokayestspeler
Stainless steel box
BigAdam
Stainless does corrode.
wittie888
5 - 6 years to enjoy myself before putting it into another box.
BigAdam
But you're immortal. Time gets weird. You forget. The snail is free. THE SNAIL MOVES.
Thkostavbyo
We were all thinking it, he's just brave enough to say it
SirDistic
How exactly would a hyperintelligent snail create a space ship? It has physical limits.
microcactus
Telekinesis.
TheBurritoConfederacy
Very slowly.
DirksonScrumble
He wouldn't. Not if I had anything to say about it.
bawbalicious
Wait are you the guy!?
DirksonScrumble
I *am* the guy!
GlitterInTheDarkNearTheTannhauserGate
on an infinite time scale it changes things. probably not a few thousand years but a few million or a few billion years it's probable
lynxbird
Rermember pickle rick??
dionysiacc
Ever heard of pickle rick?
MoparGoVroomVroom
It’s not specified that the snail’s intention is to touch you.
mallerzkay
It also doesn't say you can't die of natural causes..
mallerzkay
Oh just kidding I'm just bad at reading
SchrodingerMil
It does, in the original MDB that this guy took this from they say it.
keyblader1985
THANK YOU. That's my biggest problem with this. *WHY* would the snail want to chase you??
SomeDetroitGuy
Because the immortal human is obviously a paranoid sociopath willing to destroy the Earth to keep himself immortal.
Nobody7713
It is stated that it slowly crawls towards you, and if you take that to its logical conclusion, that eventually means touching you.
MoparGoVroomVroom
Maybe he just doesn't want to be alone with his immortality.
whydoineedausernametoday
Is it just me? I felt incredibly sad for the poor snail who is doomed to spend eternity locked inside a box, and being super-intelligent,1/2
SomeDetroitGuy
Not just you.
whydoineedausernametoday
2/2 it will be super sad. And perhaps the man will also be super sad after speeding away from all life to dim recesses of the universe.
TheCreamster
Yeah no wondering why they wanna kill this guy
chrisf116
I'd just dig a moat around my house. Snails can't swim.
cherry335
But you don’t know where it is. It probably already in your house hiding somewhere.
chrisf116
Well that sucks, but with a million bucks I can probably pay some people to build a decent house with a moat on a plot of land with no snail
chrisf116
Shovel and throw him back across. It would have to take at least a day for a snail to crawl across the moat
chrisf116
And ask them to keep a watch for him. I'd have motion sensor alarms installed too in case he gets across. Then I'd just scoop him up in a
Paragonville
Is this why Elon Musk wants to go to space?
LeadByBadExample
Not saying it is. But I'm not saying it isn't, either.
Calocagathia
Musk vs Mollusk
witkop
I think he is the snail.
stuffs
That's where the hair came from! A side-effect of the immortality! His immortal form is shifting to his younger years.
StarmineRendezvous
I've seen this story dozens of times, but since the whole Elon movement making pretty much everyone know who he is, I thought of him here.
Frogapus
Oh shit. That just blew my mind.
ChallengerDeep
Elon wanted to share his story, and being a hyperintelligent alien, this was the only way to share while retaining plausible deniability :)
f4m0us4m0s
https://media.giphy.com/media/Lcn0yF1RcLANG/giphy.gif
hylloscz
My thought exactly
IndigoWendigo
IT'S HIM!
DeepMemeConversations
No. He IS thr snail
[deleted]
[deleted]
eldieron24
Same. Even checked the username
DrewtanggaurdiumLeviosa
Ditto
DirksonScrumble
It would've been if I was clever!
MakinGreenWithIceCream
Me too haha
Hammsammiches
Same.
MakeItBackAlright
"You'll never get Ol' Musky, you little fuck," Elon mumbles in his sleep and rolls over, content for now, his Nemesis in his tungsten tomb.
ParryLost
Literally no-one calls him that.
BahamutBBob
I've seen it at least once before.
richardson1701
Literally all of Imgur calls him that.
connorcat
It's not too late to start!
liquidkitten
One, it's a joke. Two, do you know him personall? If not; how do you know?
ParryLost
The whole meme is a reference to
ScrewTheRulesIHaveMoney
It is you who does not get the joke. 'Literally no-one calls him that' is always the response to 'Ol' musky'
ParryLost
One time I tried replying with "literally *everyone* calls him that!" but got downvoted. :( I've learned my lesson!
MCLUB
I want to hear what the snail is going to do with his million dollars...
SickOfThisCessPool
Make sure you never touch it.
Dracon27
According to RoosterTeeth (who first made the question) it just curls up in the case and sleeps iirc.
Greymalum
For an anti-salt movement.
Greymalum
Form*
DirksonScrumble
I don't.
Hammsammiches
Slime it all up so it's gross and stick. Similar to how my night at a strip club ends.
RoodKontjeAapje
What in this whole ordeal is the point of also giving the snail a million dollars?
Individualsocksinthewashingmachine
Equality
escalinci
Put it in a shell corporation.
IFuckedNurseJoy
Nice hahaha
killer10347
Pay the guy with the box $100,000 to let him go.
xj4low
How about $50,001?
iwannapikachuwhileyoushower
Yea. But it's someone they trust. Mom. Dad. Significant other. Etc.
FelixG
Mom/dad can make a new baby for less than 100k! Plus they already got the first 50k.
straikychan
So ist there a snail who got a deal for immortality and 1 mil, but before he can spend it he has to catch you?
lagspike79
goatswhostareatmen
just perfect timing for this gif
iamadildo
Become president, have you arrested, and pay you a personal visit.
chewybrian
"Snail 2020. Putting people first and killing Todd."
swagcannon420
Persosnail*
EarthTurtle
Decoy snail
GuardsmanMiku
that said, surely a super inteligent snail after imploying a decoy would realise the best plan is to stay away from the human
Zeroforwinger
I mean yeah. If snail's plan doesn't involve a decoy, I don't know what the world is about.
nicouk
Gotem
Belegatar
Offer it to the first guy that put him in the cash box to do a swap so he can get to the person and end him
DoYouWannaKnowMySecretIdentity
Which is why he specified that the first guy is someone he trusts. It would take more than 1 million to convince me to betray a friend.
GuardsmanMiku
it depends what you think the concequences are, if OP neglects to tell him that the snail will kill him the snail could lie
MostLikelyNotWearingPants
IAmGodot
How about $2 million (the snail's $1 million and your dead friend's $1 million)?
DoYouWannaKnowMySecretIdentity
$5 million minimum.
IAmGodot
It's a super intelligent snail. I'm sure it can figure out how to make more money.
JapAnus
...go on
TisNagim
probably offer the guy 1 million and the immortal dudes 1 million. Now the dude has 2 million and a corpse.
ServantOfTheGodEmperorOfUsersub
It’s why the guy is someone you can trust with your life.
Onlyrepostsmakethefrontpage
You so ded.
Ruhig
It's still just a snail though; could it communicate with the cashbox guy in a meaningful way?
ElectricOwl99
It hyper intelligent
TypicalGayMan
Well, it is super intelligent
reallyoldsandwich
It can write in slime
Ruhig
...on the inside of the opaque box? I'm not sure that would be terribly useful...
BusFarts
It could repeatedly climb to the top of the box and drop itself to communicate in a form of Morse code.
IAmGodot
Well it is super intelligent.
thegelatoking
Doesn't mean it has the ability to speak lol
IAmGodot
Doesn't mean it can't develop telekinetic powers either
ProfessorThicc
It could use its shell for morse code, albeit a slightly faulty one given how characters are based on the spaces and a snail is very slow.
Belegatar
Extremely smart snail would have over heard the communication and planned properly
blueKD
Do snails have ears?
blueKD
Google says they don't have ears
Ruhig
Also, even if it is human-genius-level smart, it still is limited by a snail body...
Ruhig
About that: is it super intelligent by human standards? Or by snail standards? Technically a snail with the int of a 1 year old would be-
Ruhig
-really incredible, but not exactly likely to outwit an adult.
MightbeConfused
Is it bad that my immediate thought was, "I'd just seal it in a box, keep it handy for whenever I'm just done living so I can go touch it"
misinformednerd
That was my thought
celestedrake
I'd want some safeguards so I wouldn't do it on a whim, but yes.
inmediasrays
Not at all. The author specifically mentions going into space: what happens if his spaceship is destroyed and he is left to drift through1/2
inmediasrays
The vastness of space? Watching the lights of familiar stars fade away as you hurtle out of our solar system. Spending millions of years 2/?
inmediasrays
Frozen solid but somehow still aware. Being pulled into the orbit of a star and slowing drifting closer and closer, until you eventually 3/?
inmediasrays
Crash down upon hell itself. Each moment your body being simultaneously obliterated and regenerated that destroys whatever scrap of 4/?
inmediasrays
Sanity you have remaining. You scream for the snail to hurry, but you can't even hear your own prayers. 5/?
WildKitty
So true. Also why condemn the snail to immortality in hell. Just give it a nice sturdy terrarium. And an rfid justincase.
1414145691
I'd just get him a sucession of snail girlfriends and an abundance of food, a truely intelligent snail would know that >
1414145691
progeny and the sustainance to nourish them are what really matters are would stop pursuing me
somethingnotyettaken
Spend the million on blow and hookers, then go give the snail a hug.
TheFirstSineOfMadness
That was on the original post when I first saw it
MightbeConfused
The first few of you guys got real existential and got into the death of the universe but I was thinkn like 100 years in when I'm just bored
yakattak10
I think I could keep myself entertained for a few hundred years at least. Then if we don't have interstellar travel when I'm bored, I could
yakattak10
devote my entire existence to that goal. Then travel the stars till you're sick of it and willingly enter a black hole.
TheFrenchCanadianTaunter
No, you're right. At some point, lonesome immortality would be like being stuck in that egg on the White Christmas episode of Black Mirror.
connorcat
Who wants to live forever?
incorrecthorsestapler
Username checks out
tbkelley1498
i mean that's a valid thought. nobody wants to live forever#
flapperfemmefatale
i would, mostly because i want to be around to see how existence ends.
thebonemaster
Pfff speak for yourself!
grootybooty
ZaneBarrow
Life isn't a checklist of things to do before you die. It's life. And I prefer living to whatever the alternative is.
yesallthegoodnamesweretaken
Well... Kinda?
ohyouknowjustsomeguy
I do. Yeah people die but eventually you get over it. You get all the time to study everything you can!
frankxcid
This is the real answer
Romanticist
See whenever I read this I'm always like, I'd make a deal with the snail and be it's friend. It doesn't say he WANTS to kill me.
clid3r
People always think immortality, trust immortality is a blessing. It would be a terrible curse when all motion in the universe ceases.
yakattak10
But would all motion really ever cease? Even after heat death there would still be gravity, no? If you could somehow make a device that
yakattak10
harnesses the power of gravity for energy you could survive.
buttshredder
Eh, experiments show that you basically fall into a waking dream when all stimuli are removed. It'd be a wild ride.
clid3r
Don’t enjoy tripping on inanimate objects not sure how an eternal trip would be. ;)
buttshredder
More like a lucid dream, I'd think. It'd be interesting to see how language and symbolism breaks down with no reinforcement.
clid3r
Not trying to get existential on a Friday night. Lol
Therearetoomanyusernames
No one else think about Death Becomes Her or am I just old?
spongebobmingepants
Love love love that movie! And yes we're old!
ThisIsLiterallySatan
Nothingness sounds nice. It means I can get the fuck away from all the stupid fucks that I dispense medication to.
clid3r
And like the writer said, you’d be stuck in a dark void alone with nothing but your thoughts to keep you company Ives me anxiety thinking
Lemunas62
Well, your thoughts would *probably* cease at that point as well.
Lazarillo
Well, you get a snail, too.
Chopsor
but one day their might be a new big bang and new life one day
Daeyelle
I'm sure through billions of years you'd become smart enough to just restart the universe
ZimGenzko
Or you’d go mad first.
JayPapy
Or the new universe would start in your head...maybe it already has happened before...
Daeyelle
What a great writing prompt... thanks!
EvilEmu
Not at all. Touching the snail is leaps and bounds better than enduring the excruciating nothingness of the heat death of the universe.
BahamutBBob
If I were immortal, I would probably want to die way before the heat death of the universe.
SnortAKnifeIntoMyBrain
Nothingness seems pretty nice, though. Like the ultimate peace and quiet.
Ilikepinkfloyd
I think it's beautiful. Watching the universe dissapates to nothing. So much heat that atoms couldn't 'survive'. The universe would (1/2)
Ilikepinkfloyd
Have no secrets. Everything barren. An open book but no one to tell it to.
FixinYou
''So much heat''? The heat death of the universe is not death by heat, but rather that everything is spread too thin for anything to happen
FixinYou
While specifics are impossible to tell since it's so incredibly distant in time and we know still so little about the universe, most
FixinYou
Theories would have it as a near zero degrees kelvin , finely spread and still spreading blanket of matter that is unable to interact
GCRust
But in the heat death of the universe, you'd be the last repository for everything. When you end, so does it. So long as you live, 1/2
GCRust
2/ the memory of the life, universe, and everything continues to live with you. And you have eternity to wait - to wait to tell the stories.
IWorkInITAndHateIT
But what if you fuck up the entire time-space continuum and become THE god?
mikayeld90
Tell stories to who?
vidiv
Whoever or whatever comes next.