Suggestion help

Bullitt23

106299

1999

I’m a 34 year old man with a great career. I have have no debt, I’m financially capable, and can live on my own comfortably.

My dad passed away last month, and my older brother had a terrible accident nearly 2 years ago that left him somewhat disabled. My day to day life consists of making sure he isn’t down in the dumps about his situation and to also make sure my mom is ok, as my parents were together for early 50 years.

I have no idea what the future holds for me. I feel down all the time because I’d like to live my own life, but if I do, there’s no one to really take care of my brother. I find myself alone, not having anyone to talk to. I wish I could just for a moment have the life of a regular person in their 30s, enjoying what life has to offer without all this shit going on.

I seem to find myself not being able to relate to people with ‘issues’ I find so minuscule and temporary that I don’t know how to categorize it. Everything people seem to complain about seem to be so superficial that even in conversation, I feel like telling people ‘are you serious right now’? Completely not appropriate as people categorize their issues with what they give going on, not with what YOU have going on.

I find myself so emotional at times that I can’t hold it together when I’m alone. I also feel like talking to someone will help, but I really don’t know how much it will. My glimpse of happiness tends to last for only short bursts of time, mainly until I remember what my situation is, then I feel like ‘eh it was nice while it lasted’.

I’m not even remotely at the end of the rope, but it’s nearly impossible to see the light from where I am. I don’t know what to do. Anyone have any words of wisdom? Thank you for reading this and helping.

Follow up. I've gotten such a warm and awesome response to this post I made last night before going to bed. I'd like to thank everyone for their messages, especially to those who reached out to me directly. It's an incredible feeling knowing that there are so many good people out there, willing to just take a second and help a fellow human out when they need it. Thank you to everyone, truly. I've read every single comment and will continue to do so, taking everyone's suggestions into consideration. Thank you everyone.

reallysleepypasta

I don't know, sometimes I think there's something to being too stubborn to die. Do find someone to talk to though, I think it does help.

4 years ago |

Anatheman

I find a stoic framing of things and meditation helps with these "inglorious hardships".. like finding some honor in the day in and day out.

TravellingLlama

Find a paid/professional/doctor to talk to on a regular basis. Consider getting on a low dose medicine to help (now is not forever)

ExplodingRobotColon

Let me know if you're in the charlotte NC area and want to grab a drink. Sometimes having a person to vent to irl helps alot.

Emeurade

Realize that things suck. Lives change, and there isn't anything you can do about it.

RustyDustyYo

Wanna drink and talk about how dumb people are together? I can even make some cookies. They are pretty good. Go great with alcohol

betterave

I was in a somewhat similar situation. A grief group and a carer’s group helped a lot. I’d say pick one. I’m sorry for your loss.

2old2behere

The best day of your life is still ahead of you.

Greymalum

I have chosen to study philosophy, wisdom to find what I don't understand about myself. I am 41, there is hope.

playingwithknives

Find a therapist! Lost my dad 4 years ago, followed by my brother a year later, and a suicide attempt by another brother. Therapy!!

LisaFromOZ

Ah. This is my life after having an autistic child. I see no end to my misery yet obviously cannot find a way out of the ‘situation’. Sigh.

GiddyKipper

You are in depression. Talk to people, try to find joy in things, and carve some time for what makes you happy. Happy to chat if you DM

Magicmeow

Take your time to grief and let your emotions out. Holding things in is not healthy just makes things worst. Seek help therapy can help alot

monjamon

Friend, it sucks that you are dealing with this. I wish I had some practical advice to give you but I'm over here getting my life together

But I understand the feeling of being stuck and wanting to move forward or sideways or anything at all. I'm sorry I don't have advice but if

You need/want to talk, my DMs are open. Hugs to you and I hope someone is better at this than I am.

somethingreallycleverandfunny

There’s no “regular person in their 30’s”. You chose to put your family first and you can choose how to feel about it. Easier said than done

mizzchanandlerbong

May I recommend the 'Black Dog' books by Matthew Johnstone? What you are describing makes me think of depression and serious grief.

194

onecattwocatbigcatsmallcat

Grief is horrible. I hope you will reach out for counseling @op

Maybe looking for a counselor or a self-help group might be a good idea. Other people find relief in sports, yoga, meditation, nature, etc.

I really hope you have some friends to confide in, or at least to do stuff together to give your mind a tiny break.

whywasmyusernametakengrrrr

I'm on the verge of mental collapse, only thing keeping me here is all the dogs I havent got to pet yet

pudgypal

I'm in a similar pit. I don't have advice on how to find thr motivation to get out but what has helped me exist down here is my dog and

Learning something new. I'm taking ASL lessons.

PinkProzac

I know how you feel and I’m here to talk if you need someone to listen! Xo

ArtsyDad

Hey @OP I'm you. Talking to someone will help. I did it one time and it changed me. Also, take up some form of art and spend time on it.

Like a ridiculous amount if time. Just sink yourself into it time to think and natural expression helps.

OldsterBabe

Thankful your mom and bro have you. You are a solid person going through a difficult time. Strongly recommend talk therapy. Hugs.

iltani

It sounds like compassion fatigue, OP. You are very strong, but it's okay to need help sometimes too. PM if you'd like, I've been there.

MrItchyPantsPimpleEye

Consider hiring help to care for your bro, even a few hours a week to yourself çan help. Also, try to spend time in nature, it’s healing

131

bekindtoanimals

That’s a great suggestion: he needs respite care

wakemefromthisnightmare

Call a home health nursing agency. They are really good at getting help covered by insurance or Medicare.

wanderingdreams

This. Respite care is a wonderful thing

dnsmith21889

This. Even going for a walk for an hour has so much therapeutic relief

KaraokeLemur

This. Such a little thing, but makes a huge difference.

awizzaza

@op if your brother qualifies for Medicare you can likely get them to cover the cost of a respite care giver

ohlookanupvote

It sounds like you might benefit from a therapist. When I was in grad school, my classmates would complain about little stuff and I was (1)

Dealing with grad school stuff on top of a couple deaths in my family and other struggles. That’s when I started therapy and ten years (2)

Later, I still see a therapist. I bottle my emotions and then spew them in a biweekly hour session. Not the healthiest, but it helps (3)

baercrow

Maybe try to find a doctor to talk with about the situation. Don't wait for it to become unbearable, take the steps now before it's too much

197

Largerabbit

Absolutely this. You are experiencing care taker fatigue. A therapist or dr should be able to give you the tools to navigate through this

ImAMomWhatsYourSuperpower

This is really greast advise.

Yeah. I kinda learned it the hard way. I waited too long, but I now work on it

Keep it up and it will work out. Best wishes to you and OP.

Thanks. I wish you the best

hoopsnek

Do you exercise a lot?

With covid, no not really. I used to be super active and fit but since the pandemic, that hasn’t been the case.

theresamooselooseabootthishoose

I lost one of my parents last year, I would have gone mad without me running. I hope you can find something that helps you as well

Argh, my running. I'm not a country bumpkin, honest

Yeah, some people got super fit and strong during covid. Most gained a bunch of weight and lost their mental health.

TheInternetNeedsMoreCats

As someone caring for my mother with Cancer while being the only income in our home, please try a therapist. They can help you get yourself>

out of that depression, and build your coping habits. Your brother could too. You can't take care of others without taking care of yourself>

first. Its not about being "weak" or anything. Even if you don't feel "sad" depression sucks the physical and mental energy out of you. >

Also, just as your brother and mom do, you also have the right to be effected. Depression doesn't care if you want to deal with your family>

first. Talk to them, tell them you are burning out. Suggest getting help as a family. There is no shame in it. I promise.

winkyroomba

You have caregiver burnout. Which leads to resentment. I know this probably doesn’t help but it is natural to feel this way. 1/2

FoxySpirit

A thousand times this. People who ignore this for long enough end up in the newspaper. So yeah, talk to a professional.

Talk to a professional. They can help. I know from personal experience. Chin up. You’re going to make it.

aScawyGhost

I'll second this. You can't take care of someone else if you don't take care of yourself. There's no shame in asking for help.

You are not alone.

ICheckUsernameAndSuch

My friend started caring for his disabled fiancée full time a few years ago. It was incredibly hard for him to stay above water, both ½

Mentally and emotionally. He filed for disability for her, was able to get a home health aide during the day M-F, and he started seeing ⅔

A therapist to talk about his issues with a neutral, qualified third party. The improvement to his mental/emotional state has been massive.¾

He is clearly doing just so much better now and isn't struggling as much with the stress/responsibility of it. If you manage, I'd recommend⅘

Looking into both options. Maybe they can help ease your workload the way they did for him. I wish you the best. Feel free to DM me, too 5/5

Comments (220)