5 America-as-Fuck Movies to Enjoy Over Independence Day

Tight Suit Flag Man

Sterv Robbers is just an ordinary, dorky guy. The thing he wants most in life is to join the military. The thing is, he's tiny. Like, concentration camp tiny. His best friend, Buckteeth Barnes, has always been there for him, but he gets sent to war.

Strev tries many times to join, but always gets rejected. One day, however, Foreign Doctor sees that Stv has a heart condition called freedomitis. He decides to let him join the army.

It's hard, but Strv perseveres. He perseveres so hard that Foreign Doctor, Agent K, and Crumpets Lady decide to make him a Supper Soldier, which gives Strev more freedom in his heart and muscles.

Soon, Strev Rudders becomes Tight Suit Flag Man; with his team of Hopping Commandos, Tight Suit Flag Man fights the evil Sunburn Skeletor and Pudgy Scientist to win World War II and the heart of Crumpets Lady.

Illegal Aliens

Everything is going well for the Fresh Prince: he has a kid, a wife, and no extraterrestial problems at all. One day, however, he does have extraterrestial problems. They're here, on Earf. Now this is a problem that a wall won't fix!

So President Bill Paxton decides to fight the aliens with guns and stuff. He enlists the help of Fresh Prince, Shitter's Clogged, and Dr. Ian Malcolm to fight the aliens. See if Earf survives!

Big Ass Shark

The beach seems like an obvious place to spend the 4th of July weekend. Too bad the mayor of this small beach town is a moron. The beach experiences shark attacks, and Mayor Moron acts like a moron and keeps it open.

But this is no ordinary shark. This a a big, antisemitic shark (seen in the picture eating it's favorite snack: Jews). In order to get rid of it, Sheriff Glasses enlist the help of a cranky old sailor and Mr. Holland's Opus.

They strike out on an inadequately sized boat for their purpose to try and kill the shark.

Volleyball Pilots

What's more American than riding a motorcycle, then flying in a big, giant penis with wings? How about playing a completely heterosexual, shirtless volleyball match with 3 other hot and sweaty guys?

This documentary follows the story of a mentally challenged dwarf names Maxipad that becomes a pilot. He's good, but he's also a jerk. With the help of his best friend ER doctor, he becomes top of his class.

He makes a lot of enemies, especially with fellow top guns Snowman and Bollywood. In a display of pure America, Marvelous shows off in his ungay penis plane. The stunt ends up killing his wingman, Canadian Goose. This makes Marvelbucks sad.

When he gets assigned to an important mission, Snowman is afraid Mapquest's sadsies will get them all killed. Will he overcome? Will he make the mission a success?

Fists of Punching 4: Electric Bugalore

Flat Top and his wife, Flavor Flav Woman, come to America from the Soviet Union for one reason: to punch Americans. Rocky's best friend, Chubbs Peterson, decides that he wants to punch things, too. Specifically, Flat Top's face and body. But Chubbs ends up getting punched in the death by Flat Top.

Because of this, Rocky decides to punch fight Flat Top. Who will win? Who will persevere as the punchiest punch man in the world of punch boxing?